Thursday, September 29, 2011

11:11 pm

(actually, it's 11:12 by now, but 11:11 looked better as a title.)

well, i started the day in my little northern mining town
and am ending it at my mom's place in east vancouver
ten freaking hours on the Greyhound, people
(although it was pretty enjoyable to just sit quietly by myself and just read for ten hours straight. read, and watch the fraser river and the mountains and the fall-coloured trees flitting past. i don't remember the last time i read for ten hours. i most certainly didn't have time to do that this summer.)

i think i'm a bit shell-shocked, honestly.

i mean, the place i left has no traffic lights. not one.
and the town restaurant?
well, last night at the restaurant, we trooped in around 8, amy brought a dvd with her
and so we watched "The Long Riders": my roommate, my two bosses, dave and cheryl, who run the Paw, and Francesco The Italian Waiter-
Movie Night at the Bear's Paw. cool.

here in vancouver the traffic hums past all. the. time.
there are a million restaurants on the drive, but i bet i can't watch a movie at any of 'em
i am uncomfortably aware that my old home and life are just down the street from where i sit right now
and it is so surreal that that life is gone forever
and here i am, at thirty-seven
crashing on mom's floor for a few nights until the big move

going to move in to new digs next week
and get used to the sound of traffic all over again
and look both ways before i cross streets
and remember not to say hello to people on the street unless i know them

going to buy a new bed at ikea
it'll be a double, on the optimistic assumption that perhaps, one night, i might get to share it with someone
(not any specific someone, you understand
i'm just looking ahead to a time when i might have a love life again)

going to re-connect with city friends over coffees and rehearsals and walks
and try not to miss all the friends i made this summer
try to stay connected with them over distance
and trust that they'll be there next year
and that so will i

going to try not to lose my heart to anyone else for a while
take things slow and not fall madly in love after five minutes because really?
Today's Single Women are cool, they date; they don't get all fluttery at the drop of a hat
(um, i think i have a lot to learn. sigh.)

going to accomplish at least some of the things on my to-do lists:
the little, niggling ones like taxes and bills and chores
and the great big ones like travel and creativity and staying fit

autumn's here
old things are dying
new things are on their way

Saturday, September 17, 2011

summer came, finally
two weeks of swimming, sunning, hiking
these weeks of one-show days: less plays, more playing
we celebrated Christmas in September the other day
(because none of us are actually here at Christmas time)
we ate hugely, exchanged presents, sang carols
it was kind of magical
I looked around the table at this 'family' of people I've known and worked with and thought
thanks for this

the next day it was rainy and grey again, summer gone for good

I spent a couple of hours talking to someone last night in the cold outdoors
and he said
that when he hires people, he asks them what they think their greatest achievement is
which kind of floored me
because I realized that although I'm proud of many things I've done
I don't know if there's one specific thing I could point to right away and say this is what makes me so proud
I guess if it's anything, it's
writing music for a (small) hit show
clawing my way back from surgery to work up here
playing in Montreal with Zeellia

so maybe this year is going to be about achievements
no, not 'maybe'
it WILL be about:
making changes
doing things I can be proud of
creating things
making music
making money
being happy
finding balance

speaking of which, that someone I talked to last night is a someone who makes my heart beat a little too fast
someone I love talking to
if I looked up the definition of 'He's Just Not That Into You'
his picture would probably be right there
so, onward I guess
easier said than done, though
but if this summer has taught me anything it's that I'm tougher than I thought
and now summer's over
my time up here is nearly through
and although I know that there will be more hurts to get through, and more confusion to navigate
there will also be tremendous joy, of this I'm sure
new jobs, new place, new life waiting for me down south
in just over a week's time.