on the flip side of fine

You spent the last week-and-a-half trying to keep it together-
arrival, move, jobs
and with the first real day off, your body shuts down.
Sleeping, to fight something that's wrong inside
something you did to yourself during the move, probably, lifting boxes
Over 4 months since the operation and you thought after everything you did this summer that you were fine, you were healed
But you're not

You turn down work so that you can rest, work you need because you're spending too much
(as usual)
Skip a rehearsal because of the cramping and fatigue; your excuses sounding feeble to the impatient person on the other end of the phone

The cat winds around your legs, stares reproachfully at you when she catches your eyes
You've been staring at that machine for hours, she complains
that one, or the one in the living room, the one that plays the same shows over and over all day
and it's true, you have, and even though you almost never spend your days like this, you feel guilty
and guiltier still for eating your own bodyweight in Ben & Jerry's

You signed up on a dating site for a laugh, scrolling through names and pictures through the day
and ended up deleting your account in horror
I can't do this

You went to a party last night
you drank too much because you were shy
You realized today
that you are distracting yourself
with boys, with friends, with booze, with anything
so that you don't have to spend time alone with yourself

It's after 1am
If you hit "publish", these bare, dark thoughts are Out There for everyone to see
and what does that make you?
Wouldn't it be better not to be so exposed?
This is a kiss-and-tell world; it's not classy or nice to lay it all out there
but
You are trying to make sense of it all
and to leave a mark, also
to say I Am Here
in happiness and in sorrow, for all to see
including yourself

And the best thing I can hope
is that I will re-read this in a while
and know how far I've come